Fantasies and When It’s Time to Let Go

My blog is public. And it’s the internet, so sometimes it is difficult to know how much to say. Once it is out there all it takes is one wrong person and boom, my life can change. That may sound crazy, but my world is everything but calm.

When I was 17, I had my first child. I don’t know what to call him, I used to never speak of him, then I slowly started to let him go. No, not my child! He was my beckoning call. He was my meant to be. I don’t want to say he’s his dad or his father, that he is not. So I’ll call him Al.

Al and I were toxic. We were both young (me younger than him) and didn’t know a thing about real relationships and raising a baby. When Dominick came into my life I knew that that was life now. That my job was to raise him to the very best of my ability. So time passed. Al and I separated. I moved home and finished high school a few months after Dominick was born. Al and I were still talking to an extent. But when we got together, boy we were bad. Maybe it was because I was so young. Maybe because I’ve always pushed people away. So a few custody hearings later, Al got joint custody. Joint custody? I didn’t think he could even take care of my baby! What are you to do when the justice system fails you. It sucked. I cried. It hurt.

There was one time, one mistake and everything changed. Al had Dominick and I asked to have him back early for pictures. We were civil and he said yes. By this time, Eric and I had been together only 3 months and had only seen Dominick a few times. But at that moment, I needed him. I needed Eric more than I thought I’d ever need a man. When I went to pick up Dominick he was feverish and groggy. I took him to my stepmom because something just wasn’t right. A mother knows. Hours later we sat on an Urgent Care bed with an ivy in my 17 month old son’s arm. I cried. I couldn’t believe me, his own mother, couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t save him. I hated Al. You see Dominick was somehow severely dehydrated (from what Drs said) and since I had only had Dominick for a few hours, how was it my fault? I didn’t even know what went on when he was with Al.

Fast forward. Al has a wife and kids. I have my own family. Dominick has no idea who Al is. Eric is dad, I’m his mom and he has one brother. That’s his family. It’s what he tells people. Dominick has to go see an allergist and we find out he’s allergic to tons of things. Reach out to Al. Bad idea. Oh that sucks is what I got. Dominick starts baseball and Al comes to games (he’s trying a sideline parent thing, but Dom doesn’t know he’s his dad?). Reach out to Al about Dominick possibly needing a speech therapist because he isn’t developing properly. He’ll outgrow it. What? No, he won’t. It’s something we will have to work with and reteach. He has to rewire his brain to be able to talk better. He’ll outgrow it?

At that very moment, I could’ve screamed. I could’ve punched you in the face. You want to walk into my family and try to tell me that everything is fine!? You don’t know my son. I don’t need you to know him. He knows who is there for him. One day, he’ll know the truth. Maybe he’ll be mad. Mad at you or mad at me. But I’d rather let him make the call because I…I am letting you go. For almost 6 years, I’ve thought maybe once you would care. But you don’t know what it’s like to be a parent to my son. You don’t get to see how amazing he is. You don’t get to see his good, his ugly, not any of it anymore. You don’t deserve to ever be called dad to my son.

Today, today I let it all go…

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