8.25.18

Wow. The fact that I hadn’t blogged in a year is mind blowing. Maybe it was being able to land my dream job. Maybe it was taking care of three rambunctious boys. It was a mix of life getting in the way & me just not pushing myself hard enough.

Let’s try this again, third time is sometimes the charm right?

2018 was a year I don’t think I want to ever remember but it’s embedded in my brain. My not so normal brain, eh?

I could go back, back to four years ago when I got a little too happy & ended up in the hospital for having a seizure. I’d never had one & then boom, I was rushed to the hospital & told it was just dehydration. Cool, I’ll drink more water.

So in August when I had another seizure, no one knew what in the heck was going on. On top of it, the ambulance took me to the one hospital where they intentionally try to kill you! Lovely. So, they run a few tests, give me no answers & I leave because it’s my anniversary weekend and my boys are about to start school. Like what mom has time for this!? Two weeks later, between the two jobs, three kids & Eric’s work schedule I go to see a neurologist. Now, I hate doctors and I hate wasting time, this was only my second seizure in four years, I’m sure I’m fine. But when your mama says you’re going to the doctor, you don’t argue. You do it. So I did. And after the neuro looked at my test results, she simply said… “oh you have epilepsy, didn’t you know?” No crazy lady, I didn’t know, that’s why I’m here! But instead I sit in silence as she explains what type I have and how I would go forward with my chaotic schedule and daily life. As she’s going down the list of things, including a medicine I’d be taking for oh I don’t know forever, she states that per law I couldn’t drive until I was six months seizure free. Yeahhhh okay, tell that to someone else because I have to take the boys to school and grocery shop and go to work, like you can’t stop me.

Except, it did. Because I didn’t listen & kept on moving in the fast lane. Get the kids to school, work, pick the kids up, dinner & nightly routines. I kept up with it all. Until I had another seizure. This one, it knocked me out of both jobs for a week. & this time, mama stepped in and said, you have to slow down. I had been doing everything and aiming to please everyone for so long I didn’t know what “slow down” was.

After my week of being home bound, I felt back to normal & was ready to start my not as busy “slow down” life. Yeah, if you know me you’d know, I don’t slow down. When I’ve got something in my head, you don’t stop me.

Unfortunately, when my now third seizure of the year happened in less than a month apart, I had to step back and let it sink in that yes, things had to change. Even though I’d been killing it for years, getting everything together & working my butt off to give and have everything my family needed or wanted, I had to stop.

I stopped driving. I stopped drinking adult bevs. I began trying out different stress relief. I did every bit of research I could to ensure I’d never have to endure the pain I kept feeling. After that day, 11.25.18, I became a whole new person, a person that tried to be less in control, more understanding and less demanding. Even today it’s still difficult. But I’ve managed to make the best out of it. & the silver lining, is realizing who’s willing to stick around when the times get tough. Tougher than giving birth. Tougher than kidney stones.

Today, I live with a condition and don’t use it as a disability but learn from it to become a better me. Life will always throw curveballs, it’s how you hit it that’ll make or break you.

XOXO,

-SMR

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