So Close & Feeling So Far

The exciting moment is coming close, six months from having my last seizure. February 7th. Every time I’ve had an episode (as I call my seizures), I keep that moment in my brain. I mainly do it to help keep my memory stable. The unfortunate part, I don’t feel excited about the six month mark.

I don’t feel like it’s been six months because I still have the dreaded feeling, the feeling that I’m worn out and exhausted. The feeling of my body not being able to move. I don’t know what it’s like when I actually have an episode. I don’t have a warning sign when I’m going to have one, it just happens. I’ve been lucky that every time I’ve had one, someone close to me has been around or near to help me. But when I come back from the episode, I don’t even know what happened.

When I was diagnosed, the neurologist gave me a list of triggers that could help me from having an episode. As a mom, I looked at the list and chuckled. Oh less stress and more sleep? Probably not. No alcohol or strobes of lights? Welp, how will I adult without alcohol and an occasional movie? Not enough hydration. Check, check, check. I literally was a walking list of triggers. I did everything I was not supposed to do. And it caught up to me.

Now, they couldn’t give me a reason as to how I became an epileptic. But here’s a list and I can’t do these things I’ve been doing most of my adult life. As I started making changes, I started feeling so much better. I was losing weight, taking my meds, checking out hobbies and I was finally feeling like things were going to be “normal” again. But it’s been short lived. Luckily, I haven’t had an episode, but the lagging feeling of stress and overhaul always comes back.

There has to be a balance. This can’t be how life is forever. There has to be a better way. I just have to find it.

Xoxo,

Sunset

2 thoughts on “So Close & Feeling So Far

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