Bull S%*t, Right?

Virtual learning for the beginning of the school year has been, well who knows? We got in two days and the school decided to shut down for a hurricane that we were fortunate enough to have turn last minute. When Eric and I decided to keep the boys home, I knew that that meant our already upside down world would just keep spinning. So here I am after 9 pm writing to you guys because it’s been a while and I needed to get my mind off the fact that things just aren’t ever going to go how you expect. I bought a brand new printer last year that has now decided in the middle of the chaos that it just doesn’t want to work. There is just an error. Welp, that’s great. Luckily, my lifesaver mom has a backup because she’s a hoarder and when she upgraded she kept her old one. Score! So that’s one less thing to deal with.

Let’s also send a huge shout out to the teachers!!! Okay, no one ever expected this pandemic to last this long, did they? I sure as heck didn’t. It sure was a surprise when my second grader’s teacher sent out a video late this evening that she was switching classes up this week because they need to “place” where my second grader was level wise. Welp lady, I’ve got one day in the office and then I’ll change our schedules again daily. Look, she can’t help it and it isn’t her fault, but the planner in me is sure struggling to keep up. Just relax, it’s going to be fine. Everything is fine.

Maybe I was writing about all the small things that were going wrong because I’m masking the fact that tears kept falling from my face this evening when I have to stay strong all the dang time. Dude, that shit is rough. Like the issues I have with my outside family is legit. I’m big on telling people my opinions, it’s probably why I don’t have friends. I feel like I’ve learned to live with that, I love my clan and I love what Eric and I have built, it’s my sanity. They’re my peace.

I hate death. Okay, who doesn’t obviously. But this year, death brought out so much anger in me. Anger towards people that deserve it, but I can’t bring myself to tell them like how angry I am. I literally sit back and pretend I’m okay. It’s this cycle that I’ve always had and Eric keeps saying, speak up and I can’t… Basically, Grieving sucks and everyone does it in their own way and I’m still trying to figure out how to.

“Don’t cry to quit. Cry to keep going.”-Eric Thomas

Can you cut out family? Like, just shut that shit down? Asking for a friend. It’s like no matter how good I do, it’s never enough. At first, I thought it was me, maybe I just wasn’t meant to be enough. But let’s be honest, I’m pretty legit. It took me years, I mean years of Eric constantly reminding me of how badass I am for me to finally realize that it isn’t me at all. Some people just like to tear you down and even though it isn’t okay, it can’t define you. Then one day I said F**k it and became a better me. Let me stop sulking, fix my crown and get back to being my best self.

If you stuck around for my sulking thanks, you’re the real mvp. Back to your scheduled memes and random scrolling.

xoxo

Sunset

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