There are so many moments in life when giving up would’ve been the easiest solution. I’ve lived in this “fight or flight” mode for most of my life. I can’t fully understand why, but I’ve told myself one too many times that I needed to learn how to manage this mode. Not manage but decrease the urge.
I saw a quote the other day and it hit me. It hit me because as I’m writing this, on the outside everything is fine. I take care of my boys, my job keeps me busy, and I run the house as semi as any other bat shit crazy mom. Inside, I’m broken. There’s no amount of working out, starvation or sleepless nights that’ll change it.
No amount of medication for anxiety or depression will save me. I have to save myself. I have to rescue the part of me that hasn’t been able to heal. Heal. It’s like when you put Neosporin and expect your cut to be fixed instantly. That’s not how it works. Healing takes time. Healing takes patience. Patience is something that I have never been good at. This time, I don’t have a choice but to be.
Now, the journey continues, and I hope that one day, the pain I’ve caused, the pain I feel, can heal. I refuse to let myself stay toxic and hurt inside. I refuse to push everyone I care about away. I refuse to continue the ugly cycle. I have to be the change. I have to be better. I have to show my boys the best version of me. And I’ll keep going until I get back to her.