When I set out on this journey, I remember my mom telling me that it wouldn’t be easy. My dad told me that he would support whatever decision I made, but that I needed to make sure that the boys were taken care of.
It’s been months of feeling trapped. Feelings of discomfort. It was similar to not being able to handle the growing pains. Do you recall when you’d get them in the middle of the night and they hurt so bad, but “you were growing” so it was fine? That’s how I felt. I felt like I was growing but there wasn’t enough room for me.
So I walked away. I walked away like I said I would never do. It’s scary. Scary knowing that I’m walking into the next chapter of my life without the person I thought I’d spend forever with. It’s funny how things can change for you. Change in so many ways that make you feel lighter. Like everything is going to be okay. The feeling of peace. How is it that I’m so okay with everything? I emotionally detached myself for months. I watched myself do it. I read books, I started working out harder, hell I even started writing more.
I can feel myself being fine. I think the trauma is watching my boys miss their dad. Not knowing why he’s taking his stuff from the home we once shared. Having him come and sit for a movie, only to turn around and go back to his own place. It’s watching my oldest cry on my bed as I hold him without either of us saying a word. I see myself in him so terribly much and I know he’s trying to be strong. So, the moment I saw him breaking down, I knew that he didn’t need words, he just needed to be held. And that’s what I’ll continue to do until he says otherwise.
My heart breaks for them. I keep thinking that maybe it’s just me being selfish. Maybe I should just stick it out until they turn 18 and then I can start my life, right? But then I remember, they deserve me at my happiest. This is me at my happiest in a very long time. It just took some risk to bring it out. And for that, I can only apologize and keep moving forward. Moving towards making sure the boys are better adjusted before school starts. That they are continuously reminded how much we both love them, but we are going to love them from two different homes.
It won’t always be like this. Not forever. It’ll get better. It just takes time. And lots of patience.