I’m writing this on my bed the day before. The day before I should be celebrating three full years. Instead, it’s just another old date I’ll forget and now get to start my process all over.
I’ve been able to celebrate being seizure free for only two months now. Realizing that sucks. It’s like when you’ve worked on something for so long and worked so hard to get to that point, only for it to get shut down.
When you think about it, it’s not just me. It’s any person. The only difference between me and a regular joe, is when my body decides it’s ready to shut down, it major resets in my brain. (Ha insert awkward laugh) Let’s say that you’ve been killing it all week, kids and pets taken care of, house cleaned up, dinner and of course keeping up with work, so you decide to have a rest. Well, I don’t. I keep going and going like the Energizer Bunny. Then right when I think I can keep going, boom, brain shuts down to stop me from doing more.
I’ve attempted to jump right back in after an episode, but I ended up in worse shape. Look at me, just love to learn the hard way. So now, once it’s over, I get to take 3-5 business days to rest and feel better.
I never knew what life would be like after raising babies. I mean, I’d been raising babies since I was technically a kid. And according to my mom I didn’t help her with my siblings, but my siblings said otherwise in a conversation the other day and I won’t call my mom out again! (wink wink) Even if you’re the oldest, you’re considered a parent to your siblings. Or so social media leads you to believe. We always believe the internet. Now we’re off topic. I’ve been writing, but it’s been more private and I thought how unfair it was that I was leaving every single four people that read my blog in the dark about my wild life! So thank you and maybe I’ll work on coming back.
My youngest is 4.5 and I sure am feeling the baby blues. It’s a really odd feeling because I’ve always known when I would be done having kids, but now watching my three boys grow up, which is amazing in itself, has just been astonishing. Where did the time go? We’re in the summer of 2021 and I now have a third grader and holy cow a sixth grader. He’s literally right at my height and I refuse to admit it to him. With the kids growing like weeds and knowing how to wipe their own asses, I realized that it was time I started to buckle in and grow up too. Like look for something more. Because obviously the mom thing, DIY lady, bookkeeper, administrative assistant & fabric representative isn’t enough.
Do you ever feel like you aren’t doing enough even though you’re literally spread too thin? That’s me. So in 2018 when I started getting sick, everyone told me to slow down. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but it’s just so difficult and I’ve found myself in the same place. The only difference is now my body just literally will shut down and I’ll fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon and miss things. Oh the battles I lose. I don’t think I had a real point of this, just a hey y’all I’m back. I’m working really hard on me, the family & trying to force myself to keep the classes in check and grow my adult life a little bit.
Ugh. On another note, the other day I was told by a former classmate how they were celebrating their ten year class reunion and it pretty much sucked because homeschooling and graduating a year early left me without friends, a prom and all of the “fun” things that I’m now missing out on. Please tell me I’m not missing out on anything and all the cool kids aren’t cool anymore.
Virtual learning for the beginning of the school year has been, well who knows? We got in two days and the school decided to shut down for a hurricane that we were fortunate enough to have turn last minute. When Eric and I decided to keep the boys home, I knew that that meant our already upside down world would just keep spinning. So here I am after 9 pm writing to you guys because it’s been a while and I needed to get my mind off the fact that things just aren’t ever going to go how you expect. I bought a brand new printer last year that has now decided in the middle of the chaos that it just doesn’t want to work. There is just an error. Welp, that’s great. Luckily, my lifesaver mom has a backup because she’s a hoarder and when she upgraded she kept her old one. Score! So that’s one less thing to deal with.
Let’s also send a huge shout out to the teachers!!! Okay, no one ever expected this pandemic to last this long, did they? I sure as heck didn’t. It sure was a surprise when my second grader’s teacher sent out a video late this evening that she was switching classes up this week because they need to “place” where my second grader was level wise. Welp lady, I’ve got one day in the office and then I’ll change our schedules again daily. Look, she can’t help it and it isn’t her fault, but the planner in me is sure struggling to keep up. Just relax, it’s going to be fine. Everything is fine.
Maybe I was writing about all the small things that were going wrong because I’m masking the fact that tears kept falling from my face this evening when I have to stay strong all the dang time. Dude, that shit is rough. Like the issues I have with my outside family is legit. I’m big on telling people my opinions, it’s probably why I don’t have friends. I feel like I’ve learned to live with that, I love my clan and I love what Eric and I have built, it’s my sanity. They’re my peace.
I hate death. Okay, who doesn’t obviously. But this year, death brought out so much anger in me. Anger towards people that deserve it, but I can’t bring myself to tell them like how angry I am. I literally sit back and pretend I’m okay. It’s this cycle that I’ve always had and Eric keeps saying, speak up and I can’t… Basically, Grieving sucks and everyone does it in their own way and I’m still trying to figure out how to.
Can you cut out family? Like, just shut that shit down? Asking for a friend. It’s like no matter how good I do, it’s never enough. At first, I thought it was me, maybe I just wasn’t meant to be enough. But let’s be honest, I’m pretty legit. It took me years, I mean years of Eric constantly reminding me of how badass I am for me to finally realize that it isn’t me at all. Some people just like to tear you down and even though it isn’t okay, it can’t define you. Then one day I said F**k it and became a better me. Let me stop sulking, fix my crown and get back to being my best self.
If you stuck around for my sulking thanks, you’re the real mvp. Back to your scheduled memes and random scrolling.